Professional Boundaries: How Much Hand Holding is Too Much?

 

I supervise several case managers working with the Welfare to Work program. A question recently came up regarding boundaries and I thought I'd look to you for input.


The case manager's question, when have they gone too far to help a client. How much 'hand holding' is appropriate? How much do they help and when do they let go? I imagine there are many layers to this issue but wanted to see what you had to offer.  Alaska

 

 

 

This is one of the toughest calls to make. Am I helping or enabling the client?  I have crossed the line a few times in my life.  For me it is not the activity that matters but the end result.  I could be doing the same activity to one person and it would be considered helping, with another it could be enabling.  For example:  Taking one person to an interview just to help them overcome fear might be helping but if they become dependent on you that becomes enabling.  I have found that many times in the past, because it feels good to be wanted that I have slipped into enabling a person.  There a great vortex to the words “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

 

I am defining enabling as helping a person not grow and become independent.  Holding a persons hand too long can just postpone the enviable which is that they have to go through some pain to become independent.   Whenever there is genuine fear, I see that hand holding is helping.  However, if you don’t see any movement on the part of the helped after a reasonable time, I would say that it was enabling.  What are your thoughts and experiences in this area?

 

 

RESPONSES:

 

I see working with clients just like raising children-each is an individual - but as a rule of thumb-I always try to work clients so they can become independent-urge them to take the chance, step out and try to do something new or on their own-I'm the cheer leader and the
safety net if they need one but I'm NOT the job seeker. I always tell my clients that I'll match my time with their energy. Sandi

 

I haven't worked with the job seeking population in over 3 years so I am a little rusty in this area.  I have always gone by the case by case rule, some need it more then others.  As professionals we need to make that determination.  Aloha, Jeff

 

Just a comment on the "hand holding" question.  I say we hold hands and try to help them solve their barriers.  After the barriers are addressed, it's time for "tough love" or they will continue to rely on the holding of hands through life and normally, that trait is easily passed on to the next family member.  Betty

 

 I always got the best results when I was able to provide a person the skills they needed to tackle problems themselves. With roll-play and practice, individuals will often gain the inner self-confidence they need to step out and solve their own problems. I have taken people to interviews in situations where parking presented a significant problem such as Cornell University . But the norm is to let them find their own solution as they are the one that will have to got to work each day.

I think the critical issue is to see if they are make an effort on their own. We should have to do it all for them! Give them the tools but make them do a lot of the leg work.

This method has proven to be successful in the Welfare-To-Work population I have been exposed to in Ithaca , New York .  Ben Kathan  

 

Some of the best advise I received came from a professor for one of my counseling courses, "It is disrespectful to do something for someone that they can do for themselves." I have used that advise many times.  It has helped me to avoid doing too much for my customers. It is very gratifying to see them take pride in their accomplishments. Sandra

 

When I have a customer that is hesitant to go out and I have done everything to determine that, IRS, Police, Courts or Immigration is not the real reason they are reluctant, I usually give them an assignment.  "Please go pick up some State applications for the center.
Could you pick up the job announcements from___________(anywhere) so I can post on the bulletin board.  Would you take the test so I can tell people what to expect when they go. I have a friend who is new at interviewing. Would you just go and interview and then let her know how she did. Of course, My network has to be large, active, efficient, and empathetic. Notice, I don't go and get or do. I have a job. I could get jobs for others, but then I would have to go to the jobs also. Linda

 

That's interesting. In the past, I too have experience similar situations. I believe it is important to know when helping Is more than giving assistance. Anytime we find ourselves doing things that our clients should be doing, that's enabling them to be dependent on us. In addition, we should examine ourselves to see if we are not controllers.

Dorothy

 

I work mostly with Welfare to Work participants, and they come in with the expectation that there will be a certain amount of hand holding. We (the System) have already conditioned them to be dependent. It is up to the counselor to re-program them into a new way of thinking and acting. Once this is done, it is easier to get them into the mindset of doing for them selves. (But watch out, it is very easy for them to slip back into that old way), I keep an eye on the ones who have a tendency to do that.

 

Because I know the better way, I have the tendency to do for them, rather than let them do it for them selves. I too have to re-program myself to back off this kind of behavior, and treat adults like adults. Sharon

 

I think that we do to much hand holding because as you pointed out that it feel good to be wanted. We all have that need, but it's not helpful to our clients, we should help develop their skills and confidence to do things on their own, it's like coaching sports you teach the players skill and bring out their ability but they are the one who have to perform on the field of play.  The coaches can,t they can only make adjustments when needed, and this is where we as workers should be.

James

 

Our WTW unit have had the same discussion. Most of our hand-holding has been curtailed by budget cuts, but if a customer has a last minute interview and rides the bus, I have no problem with assisting them. That action is a priority. But, by the same token, if that happens too often, then providing customers with decision making in life situations is more beneficial than just transporting someone from point A to point B.  Kim

 

In regard to this statement: For example:  Taking one person to an interview just to help them overcome fear might be helping but if they become dependent on you that becomes enabling.

From the above statement many people will think that the one going to the interview as a supportive friend is being supportive, truth is it is crippling for the one who is going to the interview.

Truth is being supportive is to support the person to DO ON THEIR OWN, to act as if they are alone and have no one, because one day they will be alone and they best be able to stand alone in order to make it.

Being supportive is to encourage people to stand on their own feet, to do their own work.

If you do for others what they can do for themselves, is to cripple them.

I believe that it is important to teach people how to stand on their own feet. Teach them skills and techniques that they can use that will help them to overcome barriers in life, and become responsible for themselves.

The more people who are crippled, later down the road become people who have learned to take and then blame others for what really is of their cause and effect.

If I were to do everything for my kids, or students, I would be crippling them and then how on earth would they ever survive in the world.

I have a great amount of experience (hands on) with teaching others the skills that creates a “NO co-dependency.”

Patti in CA

This is a tough one for us too. I concur, it really must be decided on a case by case basis with an evaluation of the outcome. Like your example if they start expecting the help and we do not see any effort on their part then maybe that's too much. But then again, we need to determine why they are expecting it, are they NSA? Is it fear? Do they have some other issues that make them dependent. Have we become enablers without realizing it? Hand holding could be a problem for the hand holder and the hand holdee. We need to look at both sides. Basically case by case. Not sure if this helps.  Helen

 

This depends on the counselor and the client.  I feel that my job is to help c. become independent and empower client.  The counselor has to know the client well- their strengths and weaknesses - able to evaluate c. and judge what they can do them selves. in area's they have deficits- assist to a point. One can hold a c. hand to a point and need to know when it is too much or too little. As an example with teenagers - I do not call for them but do a guided phone call - I stand by them and guide/support them if needed - so they can practice calling on their own- teach to fish rather then give them a fish.    One has to help c. take the baby steps and practice. Our job is to serve clients needs not ours. It give me great pleasure seeing c. grow and become independent.  Ruth

 

We can enable people where they totally depend on us when times get
hard. I believe that we must teach children how to take care of
themselves. As each year goes by, we should give them more
responsibilities and teach them that if they do not do them there are
consequences. Then we won't have so many adults who need enablers.
This questions to me is a hard one. Because our customers need help.
Some we help over and over. Until there time is out. A LIFE I believe
should get as much help as we can give. But the helped ones must take on
their responsibilities. Because in the end they are the ones who suffer
for not doing so. Kinnia

 

The best way, is to sit down with the client and lay out the goals and processes involve
make the client agree that this is how it should be then enforce the plan and change your role to become a mentor instead of a teacher – meaning giving the client the self-esteem he/she needs to feel successful e.g. compliments, good-job, great, etc. as they follow the plan well, that's all for now be good and enjoy!  Pam CA

 

I believe there should be a limit about this subject. If we hold hand
to long that person becomes dependent on us and will not try on his/her
own to accomplish what they want. Like we do with our own children, let
go and let them find there own goals or failures. Carmen

 

I've been thinking about this all day before responding because I think I'm
the kind who holds hands too long but try to give achievable assignments
and reasons to touch base periodically to transfer the responsibility and
minimize the dependence. I also give words of advice from the signs on my
wall when appropriate to fit the situation. Like right now there is one
individual who has numerous reasons why no one will consider him seriously
due to a variety of circumstances. He got "We can learn to say no for
ourselves, but never say "NO" for someone else or you've closed the door on
your own foot." "They might surprise you and say "YES"!

When someone finally realizes I'm trying to help and they are able to
acknowledge that by expressing appreciation and ask how they can return the
favor or repay me, I say, Pass it forward. Help someone you can help when
the opportunity arises. That empowers them and gives them the chance to
look for the opportunity to help the next guy. I guess that's what "Make a
Difference Day, Saturday" is all about.

Unemployed people who are frustrated with their circumstances need to feel
needed and able to do something for someone else. It doesn't cost money
just time and they have plenty of that. It also gives them perspective on
their own situation and lo and behold it doesn't seem so bleak. Have a
great week and Halloween everyone. Aloha Joy

 

I feel that whether it be an employee or a customer, there are boundaries to be set. Helping a person once or twice with a task is truly helping them, but by the third time they need to be set free to try it on their own. If they make a mistake, then we help them see what went wrong and how to correct it. If we don't let that person try it without our help then they become dependant upon us to the point that they do not try new things without us there to assist them. This not only keeps them from growing, but also impedes our ability to get our jobs done.

 

Small opportunities can become great successes.   Susan  CA

 

I agree with the above statements. I work with individuals with disabilities so if the individual due to the disability isn't able to do for example, fill out an application, I would do this for him/her. But I would also attempt to help him/her learn to do as much as they can on their own, because one of our goals is independent living. It's hard to draw the line but after working with someone you can assess whether they can or just will not try. In the case of the latter, I would model it once and then discuss the reluctance on their part on following through. I would need to counsel with the person to find out the underlying issue which is causing no movement on his/her part and work on those issues.  If the cause is fear, we would work on small incremental steps to try and overcome the fear. Irene  

 

This is such a difficult question and one that we should always be aware of.  As in self-disclosure, the major issue should always be in what's in the best interest of the client. Of course we want to be successful in our careers and want our clients to succeed.  However, a danger always comes in when we put our own egos (however unconsciously) above the needs of our clients.  How much hand holding is too much?  I would agree that it is probably based on an individual basis, but the individual that we're evaluating should be our clients and not ourselves.

Pam

 

I do very little..."handholding"...if any I do encourage, nurture, show respect......i follow the concept of "self directed" job searching .I don't mind giving an individual a boost in the right direction...confidence....like coaching sports...you are trying to coach yourself "out" of a job, not into more...i do understand that many individuals need a friend and mentor....as in the past..."i give them...what i think they need"....after trust and rapport have been established....your friend len

 

My humble opinion is that I can only "lead the client to water,"  I cannot make him/her drink.  I offer many, many suggestions backed up with experience and good resources.  Maybe the client only wants a sounding board, not help.  I think the key is to ask at the onset, "Do you want help (advice)?"  If a person is not open to it.  Bite your tongue! Mary J.

 

Too much hand holding leads to familiarity.  Familiarity leads to intimate relationships.  Intimate relationships lead to things that decrease your ability to be a good leader.

 

yes....... I have added sex to the equation.........   Butttttt   you have to be careful.   When I was putting on the ACE classes by myself all the time I often had women falling in love with me because of how WONDERFUL I was and how much I had helped them.  I would explain time and again that it was the MATERIAL or MESSAGE, not me, that was so wonderful.   It wasn't until I got me a teaching partner,  that I finally got rid of the hero worship.

 

Now... I know this subject isn't about that either, but it was an interesting experience.

 

Now, for significant hand holding.   If a person is in the hospital and doesn't have the strength to get out of bed on their own, then hand holding is good and you can't do too much of it.  Once they are out of the hospital and can get up on their own, you need to back off, so they will regain their strength.  If you don't, they will never get back on their feet 100%.  Counseling and "hand holding" are much the same way.  I have a sign that hangs over my office desk that reads:          Good judgment comes from Experience.  A lot of Experience comes from Bad Judgment.

 

Hand holding prevents bad judgment, but also prevents the person from making the mistakes they can learn from to eventually develop good judgment.  Gene UT

 

Not to sound cruel but a case manager should never work harder than her clients.  Give a hand UP and not a hand OUT.  I believe this.  Once an assessment has been made and the client agrees with it, you then lead and show them short cuts to achieve their goals.  Anything worth having is worth working for,  The client will have a deeper sense of accomplishment and it will help improve their self worth so that in the future they will know that they can do anything they want if they set their mind to it,  I believe strongly in personal empowerment and my clients know that I am a phone call away if they need assistance or have questions.  You and the client lay out the plan step by step but they must have follow through. This sounds ideal but it does help the client who wants to go forward,  Bea

 

I make bargains with people. I work in a homeless shelter and have many needy people. They have to do certain things and then I will help them. My goal is to get these people to be self-sufficient. For instance, I make them save so much money out of their paychecks every week, they have to give it to me or show me proof of deposits. So I make them do something to help themselves, then I help them. The goal is to stand on their own two feet.    Damian

 

In response to this weeks topic, I guess enabling and helping is a very gray area.  It is one that has to be self-monitored at all times.  I feel like you, when there is no action on the part of the client then the help becomes enabling, but when the client takes the reins and moves forward on their own, then it's helping.

    I have occasionally made the mistake of "thinking"  that I was helping someone when in fact I ended up enabling.  Once I have gotten to this point with a person, it is difficult to break the cycle.  On the one hand I have gotten caught in the enabling without realizing until it's almost too late, and on the other, now I need to change my relationship with the person and detach with compassion.  My whole demeanor must change, I look for solutions that the person can solve on their own and I have to set very definitive boundaries.  This becomes stressful when the person keeps "expecting" me to do it for them, and I have to keep putting it back on them until we move to the next level.

    I love being "appreciated" by another person but I have to remember that the strongest help I can give is to let a person become "independent".

    CA - One Stop