Responses to Communication

 

TWO POINTS NECESSARY FOR COMMUNICATION October 22, 2006

 

Point One:  It has come to pass this past week at a conference where I had issues with the person responsible for setting up the entire affair.  This means that I’m the one on the delivering end!  Outside of private confidence with a couple of close friends to help me vent and understand the situation, which removes the ‘emotion’ factor of the initial anger, I decided to wait until the right time to confront the person because the situation had already passed.  The issue is something that needs addressing, but in this case, it’s not time sensitive.  I knew if I jumped in and made those statements of honesty without understanding and compassion I would only exacerbate the problem and not solve it.  For those of us who have matured to realize that tact and politeness is paramount to good communication, I have no doubt this will have a happy ending.  How did I learn all this?  It’s simple; I have made every mistake in the book of being the very honest person I am without thinking!  Cruel honesty is no different than negativity; it never has a positive result.  It behooves us to always think with understanding and compassion so those who approach us with ‘cruel honesty’ can be helped to the proper solution.

 

Point Two:  Part of this is answered in Point One.  Cutting to the chase, you are correct, It’s when we approach others with inferences that subliminally say the other person is stupid we are sending not only the wrong message, we have become the problem maker, not problem solver.  Right or wrong, at this point, is totally out the window.  Speaking with compassion, understanding, and temperance is the only way to solve any and all problems.

 

Have I ever been approached with honesty only to be ripped from one end to the other?  I lost count.  However, I’m never bored.

 

Ed Smith  CA

Communication-I feel that I am very aware of the communication and the skills that go into it-It is important as a career counselor to read and play with the verbal AND non-verbal cues that are communicated.  When I am working with clients I word my phrases so as not to offend.  I own my feelings..."I feel that your resume would be greatly responded to if we changed..."  I talk to my clients in 'we' terms in many instances also because I want to help.  I want them to feel less alone and overwhelmed.  This is received warmly because it is truly genuine and they sense that.  I always let people know that what I say comes from experience and education and they should choose to take what they want and leave behind what they don't!  I make suggestions and give advice but I can not tell you what to do (in most instances:)  Understanding where people are at in their lives and understanding a sense of how they feel because I have been in their shoes helps me be patient and compassionate.  When your having a bad day or week or month or whatever-You always remember random acts of kindness!  You never realize that you could be making or breaking somebody's day with the things you say, the looks you give or the attention you pay.  I want to be the person that makes someone's day.

      I have a friend who was having a terrible day.  She just felt bad and things weren't going right.  She was in a building walking on floors apparently that were just cleaned-one of the custodial workers yelled at her to get off the floor, blah-blah-blah!  That was the last straw for her!  She broke down and decided that it was officially a bad day and bad week!  If he had been a funny conversationalist kind of guy she could have felt like everything was going to be ok.  You never know is my point!

     Days can be exhausting-clients can suck the energy right out of you!  I try never to forget that I am lucky to be working, doing what I love to pay my educational loans back:)  If a client has been snippety with me I try to remember that they are a person that comes from a life with a home and a family.  Maybe someone in their family was just diagnosed with a disease or they just moved and everything is in limbo, or the storm just dislocated them out of their comfort zone-Who Knows, I just try to remember that I am only a part of their day. 

     Hope you find some time to relax.  Jackie   

 

Jacqueline C NY

 

One bad habit I'm learning to break is trying to think for someone instead of letting them do the thinking.  It's insulting to people and makes them feel stupid when I try to solve their problem for them.  And it's so empowering when they have the satisfaction of solving it themselves.  Silence really can be golden, and it makes my job less stressful when I don't feel responsible to "fix" things for people.

Romy OR

 

Yes that rings true to me I just had an instructor say to me after I asked a question about our counseling intervention class, "You're so literal!  I've never met anyone so literal.  Now I looked up literal and it did not look like an insult on paper but it certainly felt like one.  I am wondering if it would be in my best interest to tell her how I felt.

Just thinking out loud.  Jana  NY

 

 

As far as angering people without even knowing it......I believe that this happens often.....most likely it's because the person that we anger does not communicate that they are feeling that way to us.  But how are we supposed to know unless we are able to read minds or the person tells us!!!!  I have come a long way regarding this area of communication.....in the past I would just let the anger brew and talk to everyone else about the problem EXCEPT the person that really needed to hear it.  It takes courage and overcoming that FEAR of the unknown (how a person will respond)to be able to talk to the person about what is bothering me.  I still have some work to do in this area but I have improved immensely.

 

Cheryl

 

I have a teenage daughter and have become acutely aware of how my "seemingly innocent" comments can literally crush her world. I always thought I was very considerate in my speech, my mother always told me I was. However, my daughter has a different view.  I was in a verbally abusive relationship many years ago and the scars from that relationship still sting with "honest" comments made to me today. The bottom line in communication is to "think before we speak".  If we took the time to think about how our comments will be perceived and received, we would all become better communicators, especially with those closest to us.

 

Judy L WA

 

Wonderful thoughtful questions that we all need to think about.  I am as guilty as the next person of mistaking honesty for good communication.  I have noticed that ironically that I do a better job of being compassionate at work with staff and students than I do in my personal relationships. Perhaps the old saw about familiarity breeding contempt comes in to play here.  Ah well...Just wanted to say how much my staff enjoyed your workshop.  Several have said they are using things they learned with students and co-workers.  Thanks for spreading the wisdom.

Joan P OR

 

Re: this e-mail about communication, I can’t agree with you more.  In addition to my gig here at PCC, I work for another company teaching anger management classes to court mandated students.  They are there for domestic violence, menacing, harassment, disorderly conduct, etc.   For many of these students, saying “what’s on their minds” has gotten them in big trouble.  Once we’ve discussed it for awhile, they begin to understand that communication is an exchange, not a power and control technique.  Ironically, when folks are willing to share power in a relationship and use assertive not aggressive communication techniques, they experience much more personal power….

 

Frieda F OR