DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE UPSET

 

 

Many of us have to deal with people who don't seem to want to get with our program.  It does not seem to matter whether you are a supervisor, case manager, spouse or parent.  We all have someone in our lives who does not follow through on what they say they will do.   

 

In the past when I went to deal with the issue, I would get angry and talk to the person.   I noticed after many tries that my anger did not seem to work.   Someone had once told me that I should not deal with a problem or a person until I was calm, cool and collected.  Here are ten things to do when you are upset.

 

 

Ten steps to take when you are upset:

 

  1. Take a timeout, breath deeply and focus on something pleasant.  I usually tell the other person that I am too upset to talk and will deal with the issue when I am calm.  Never confront when you are angry.  We all say some stupid things when we are angry.
  2. Avoid repeating the scene with friends; this will only get you angrier.  They will usually feel they are helping you by agreeing and adding their two cents about how bad the other person is.
  3. Find a trusted, honest person and talk it out.  Ask for feedback where you might be wrong.
  4. Ask yourself how a spiritual leader would handle it.  How would Mother Theresa deal with the situation?  I can't imagine her yelling and losing her temper and calling names or wanting revenge.    
  5. Put it in perspective, write down what happened, as if you were a neutral observer.   What is their side of the story?  What would the newspaper reporter say?  What would the headline say?

 "MOTHER HAS PROBLEM WITH TEENAGE SON.  THE WORLD IS SHOCKED."

"CLIENT OR EMPLOYEE DOES NOT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH ASSIGNMENT.  UNITED NATIONS TO ASSEMBLE."

"SPOUSES DISAGREE: FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF MARRIAGE"   

Play with it; see how shocking it would be to the world.  Reread it when you are calm.

  1. Rehearse your response either internally or with an outside observer. 
  2. Stick with facts, avoid any name calling.  "You are lazy." to "I am not satisfied with your performance."
  3. Imagine them responding with the worse case scenario and picture yourself not getting emotionally involved.  (Emotional allergy shots.)
  4. Go for it when you are calm, cool and collected.
  5. If it does not go well see step one!

 

 

RESPONSES:

Today is Wednesday November 19, 2003 If it is at work the person is usually uncooperative because number one they have to be here for a Varity of reasons. two they usually resent change in there routine, getting up early to get here by 9:00 am or if they have to travel by bus then it is harder because they have to get up earlier to catch the bus to be here at the agency by 9:00 , especially if they live out in the out lined areas. I and my wonderful co-workers have found that by being patient, quietly working with them or on a one to one basis they change there way of thinking, attitude. Janet M  CA

 

 

Every situation is different and I handle people based upon the individual and the value I place on the situation

 Normally I use these three steps to help me personally handle people (weekly) that are uncooperative:

 

  1. I give myself three days to wait before saying anything.  If after waiting three days I feel it is important to say something, then I will and by then there is no emotions, just facts delivered.
  2. I express my thoughts (by way of typing a message to the individual) and most of the time I don't send the message, because emotionally I feel better after expressing and by then I size the situation up as well as the person and if they both are not worth the energy, I let it go.
  3. It is a good thing my truck can't talk; because I have had a lot of conversations with people who are uncooperative but I was the only one in the truck to hear what I had to say was me.  J Patti CA

 

Timing is everything, I read your article this morning and this afternoon I find myself needing to act on it. A returning customer came back for services today. She is returning, because we sanctioned her last spring. I started the intake with out cause for alarm until it was time for her to sign the release of information. The customer refused feeling it violated her rights to allow us to contact her employer upon completion of ninety
days of employment. The customer felt she needed to play the race card. At this moment instead of getting into an oral pissing match I simply ended the meeting. I excused the customer with the provision of allowing her to return on Wednesday to review the paper work again. The customer requested a copy of the release form to take to her lawyer this request was granted by my supervisor. What will Wednesday bring who can say! I know I feel better  having not allowed this customer to bait me into an argument.  Tim NY

 

Taking my medication helps this tremendously Chris CA

 

Well, one of the ways I handle uncooperative people is by assessing the problem and verbalizing kind of ask yes or no questions, example: is this what you want? Is this how you feel about it? How do you think we can solve this? and then explain my point of view on things, explain rules and regulations as far as the program policies? and try to offer other alternatives or solutions as of what they can do if they do not get the results they want. Self-Control is key, for me at least. I have to remind myself that their issues are not my issues and the more together I am the better is going to be for me to assist them (yes, I know easier said than done, but I have to start with a positive mind frame!) and if I or the client are not getting the results we want, then I'll try to find someone else, a third party or a supervisor to help me out.

 But, then again, I work with youth/Teens and they can be a little bit more "controlled" for lack of a better word, when it comes to boundaries and procedures. Manuel CA

 

I really didn't have time to read this, however I did and I needed it THIS morning.  Thanks  Jan

 

What a great topic. I find myself using the steps you've outlined more often these days with my teenage son. Taking the time out is the most successful for me. It gives me an opportunity to think and strategize about my next move. You also think clearly when you've calmed yourself down. I happen to facilitate a batterer's group for men, and this is just one method introduced to the group. I've had positive feedback with most who use this method.
Denise, CA .

 

 

I liked your ten step rule, when dealing with people when you are upset. 

These steps really do work to help put things in perspective as well as giving the person you are angry with enough respect so that the situation doesn't grow worse.  There may be an additional way, if only after applying the ten steps:

To seek a middle man or woman who is neutral to the situation and allow them to speak with both parties to negotiate a compromise.  This has been proven to work in Family/marriage- a counselor or at work -the supervisor overseeing both persons.

 

Janice CA

 

I have found that my "best medicine" for dealing with an issue when I am angry or upset, is to "sleep on it".  I can then look at the issue more objectively, and not respond solely out of "emotion".  I tend to express myself more clearly when not as emotionally triggered, thus coming across with more credibility.  "What a difference a day makes"! Thanks for all your words of wisdom.  Ellen in California . :o))

 

Anger is a waste of good energy which never seems to be in sufficient supply so I have a talk with myself first to find out why I'm angry and tell myself to keep still. I know if I react it will led nowhere fast and ruin what could be a good relationship. Sometimes I sit back and try to figure out why the person is making me angry and want to return in kind. In one situation, I finally started responding with more positive feedback and understanding and thanking them for their good stuff and turned the whole process and attitude around. Now I get very little hassle from that person and usually a more pleasant exchange and cooperative relationship. Your 10 points all seem logical and humane and worth putting on the wall or carrying in mini-form in my wallet or purse along with my Daily Word. Have a terrific week and save that energy for someone who needs positive
vibrations from you. Aloha, Joy

 

Geeezz if I followed all the rules, this would mean I never got to take care of the difficult person. These (rules) would definitely take me some time to do. By the time I am done with the rules the difficult person may be gone, hopefully :) all kidding aside, I tend to smile as the uncooperative, argumentitive person is talking to me and I know this isn't really a good idea either, as I have been accused many a times that I think the whole situation is funny. I've had customers think the same thing of me. But, I immediately inform them that this is my way of dealing with a bad situation so I don't blow up. I will tell them that I would much rather talk about this at a later time. I used to become
reactionary and found things only got uglier, realized the person got the reaction they wanted out of me. I changed my ways several months ago, and it has been soooo much more pleasant. I ignore negative comments, I remind myself to tune all negativity out in the same way I used to tune my children out when they got noisy in a car ride :) I
tend to use the words "I understand", but........ this always helps because you are letting them know that you care about what they are saying. If it gets too difficult for me, I simply will request to the person if they would like to talk to someone else. If it is my spouse I simply tell him where to go :) kidding of course!  LH CA

 

I agree that you should only confront the problem when calm and cool.  One thing I do when someone is making me angry is to repeat over and over, "I'm a kitty, you're a kitty, I'm a kitty, you're a kitty, I'm a kitty, and you're a kitty."  If necessary, you can do little kitty motions, like licking your hand and rubbing your ears.  This will help you get into the mindset of a little kitty, and you won't be mad anymore.  And you will see the other person who is making you mad as just a little kitty playmate.

 

Damien

Sacramento , CA

 

I am learning that there are those who have been placed by God as testors.  They test us each day to see if our faith is still in God.  We must learn to increase our capacity to work with different personalities.  I am learning not to allow my anger take control of me, we must control our anger.  Thoughts which come from our anger and things that come from our environment raise our emotions, our emotions stir up our desires, and our desires produce our actions.  Begin to talk to ourselves rather than listen to ourselves I know that this may not make much sense, however it is starting to work for me.  We can't change people they are who they are.  We must not let our environment control us, I usually go for a walk or sit outside away from people and then after I have calmed down a bit I go to God and talk with Him.  Recognizing that it wasn't worth all the excitement in the first place.  Because the person that made you angry in the beginning has gone on about their business.  Stop majoring in the minor things of life.  Michael Ohio

 

I do not lose my patience and continue to be nice to them. I stay calm and
try to let them speak. I want to fully understand what their need is.

After I have understood what they want then I share my opinion. Armando  CA

 

It depends on whether it the time to invest. Time is precious. Pick your fights. At home, the first thing I try to do is listen to the other party's point of view. Next, I try to examine whether my program (way) is the best way. I don't have to right or know everything.

 

If my program is right, I try to encourage the other party to see the big picture. In addition, I ask for suggestion on how I could help them see from a larger lens. 

 

I supervised 9 people, and work on a small team of 5. All of it requires lots of team work. When you know your role, and help others to play their role

Things run a lot smoother.   Dorothy CA